Communication Rx: How to Discuss Sensitive Issues With your Partner
Fact #1: Certain topics of discussion proceed more smoothly with a little planning– especially sensitive and emotional topics.
Fact #2: When it comes to your marriage or relationship, you’re likely to overlook Fact #1.
Permit me to make the following assumption: When you’re at your place of business, you give special attention to how you speak to others. Am I correct? You’d probably never dream of telling your boss he looks like hell one morning, even if he straggles in late, with his shirt untucked and his eyes red-rimmed.
Tact, sensitivity, and effective communication are the hallmarks to nurturing your business relationships. Let’s face it, you probably wouldn’t have a job for very long if you didn’t make the effort to control your emotional reactions and choose your words wisely with coworkers and bosses. Don’t take my word for it—if you’re in the mood to be unemployed, the next time your boss frustrates you, wave your fist at him/her and say, “Don’t you dare speak to me in that tone of voice! I’d rather work for Papa Smurf.”
Fact #3: The tact you employ at work doesn’t automatically transfer to your marriage.
Are you more likely to “be yourself” when you’re with your partner? You know, let go of all those pretenses you carry around on the job. It’s important to have a sense of freedom and not have to worry about being “on” all the time, and your partner can only get to know the real you if you drop the mask you need to wear in other areas of your life. However, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t consciously strive to be a sensitive and compassionate partner.
Monitoring every nuance of how you communicate is unrealistic and unnecessary. But what about bringing home a few of the skills you use at work? If it would make your relationship stronger and your partner happier, would it be worth it to you? If so, you may find these tips helpful, especially when discussing sensitive and highly emotional issues (since these are the times we’re most vulnerable and therefore most likely to be hurt).
5 Tips for discussing sensitive issues with your partner:
1. Think about the points you’d like to make beforehand.
Ask yourself: What is my goal and what would I like to accomplish?
Picture your desired outcome and use this as a reference point to help you stay focused.
2. Examine your motives.
Be honest with yourself about why you feel it is important for your partner to hear this message. Are your motives selfish, fueled by anger, or will your message benefit the greater good of the relationship? Sorting this out before attempting a sensitive conversation can help you avoid pitfalls that can sink your attempts to communicate.
3. Rehearsal goes a long way.
When you have a clear picture in mind about the points you’d like to communicate, rehearse what you want to say. You can practice in front of a mirror or with a supportive friend. Imagine you’re having the actual discussion and anticipate your partner’s reactions. Edit out all accusatory and critical language.
4. Listen to yourself.
To really improve your conversation skills, tape your side of the conversation and listen to it several times.
Listening to yourself can give you a clearer picture of your communication style and an idea of where improvements are needed—you’ll be surprised what you can learn with this method. Imagine how your partner will react as you listen to the tape.
5. Plan to stay on topic.
Topic-jumping causes confusion and defensiveness. It usually occurs when emotions run high and feelings are hurt. If your partner brings up another issue to make his/her point, acknowledge his/her feelings and then tactfully go back to the issue you’re trying to work out.
These tips can go a long way in improving your effectiveness as a communicator when you have some time to plan for a sensitive discussion. Being part of an intimate relationship means having to deal with conflict and intense feelings. To prevent these conversations from spiraling out of control, it will be important to have a strategy and the skills handy to help you get through these high-intensity conversations. After all, isn’t you marriage worth the same effort you put into your relationships at work?
To discover tips on how to improve communication and build a more intimate and loving relationship, sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter by visiting http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/.
You will also receive two free reports on how to break the pattern of destructive arguments and discover the four mindsets that are dangerous to your marriage or relationship.
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.
